Many middle-aged women are finding themselves stepping into the role of family caregiver for their aging parents. While this journey can be one filled with love and devotion, it's not without its share of challenges. The physical limitations, emotional turmoil, uncomfortable role reversal, and fear of the unknown can cast a shadow for sure. But you can successfully improve your own level of self-care while still giving good care to your parent.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Caregiving
Being a caregiver comes with it's own emotional difficulties. Couple that with the caregiver's natural aging process, and the intensity of emotions can be very overwhelming. Witnessing the decline of your parent's health while experiences changes in your health can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Once vibrant and independent, your parent is now slower, less able, and perhaps experiencing their own emotional overwhelm and turmoil. The fear of losing them, and losing yourself, can greatly affect the caregiving experience that you have together.
However, there are steps that you can take to lessen the emotional load and create a wellness plan that is empowering for both you and your parent.
1. Embrace Support Groups: Connect with local or online support groups specifically tailored for women who are middle-aged caregivers. Sharing experiences, fears, and triumphs with others on the same journey can provide validation and comfort.
2. Prioritize Self-Care: Remember that self-care isn't selfish. Taking time for activities you enjoy, seeking out self-supportive strategies, and practicing mindfulness can help manage the emotional strain.
3. Communicate Openly: Have open conversations with your parent about their wishes and your feelings. Knowing their preferences for medical care, end-of-life decisions, and other matters can ease the emotional strain you feel. This can also make things so much easier for you to handle when the time comes.
The Struggle with Physical Limitations
Middle-aged caregivers often find themselves juggling their own physical limitations with the demands of caregiving. It can be quite challenging to constantly meet the daily needs of your aging or sick parent, while dealing with the inevitable changes in your own body.
I still remember the time I attempted to lift my mom, only for my back to go out. I ended up lying down beside her, smiling and giggling like we were having a slumber party. All the while, I was terrified and suddenly aware of every weakness in my body and beating myself up for all of my past self-care shortcomings.
But self-defeating thoughts won't help. I knew I had to heal fast and keep going. These are a few of the steps were helpful and can help you manage your physical health and the environment.
1. Adapt the Environment: Make the living space safer and more accessible for both your parent and yourself. Installing grab bars, ramps, and other assistive devices can reduce the risk of accidents.
In some states, this is a free service. Contact the Department of Aging for details. We were able to get this service free, and Amazon and the thrift store became our best friend for things like walkers, shower chairs, and other supplies.
2. Delegate and Seek Help: Don't hesitate to enlist the help of siblings, relatives, or hired caregivers. Sharing the responsibilities can alleviate physical strain. Many times this is easier said than done if your support appears to be minimal. However, in thinking outside of the box, there are other ways of establishing support than family, friends, and paid help.
3. Prioritize Healthy Habits: Maintain a nutritious diet, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. These habits will not only improve your own well-being but also provide you with the energy needed for caregiving tasks. Establishing a schedule that allows for these activities, and starting slowly, with smaller increments of time can help you be consistent.
Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for every time you do something healthy for yourself. Being kind to yourself is one the first and best tools you should have in your self-care arsenal.
Overcoming Fear and Uncertainty
Fear of the unknown can wreak havoc on a caregiver's mental, emotional, and physical health. The uncertainty of how to navigate the complexities of medical care, financial planning, and end-of-life decisions can be overwhelming. Not to mention considering the status of your own wellbeing.
Preparing for the unknown is a great way to ward off some of the anxiety and fear. A few of the ways you can better prepare are to:
1. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Take the time to learn about your parent's medical condition, treatment options, anticipated outcomes, and the experiences of others with the same condition.
Although every experience is different, this can give you the insight to make better informed decisions.
2. Consult Professionals: Seek guidance from medical professionals, financial advisors, and legal experts to ensure that you're making the best choices for your parent's well-being and your own future.
3. Plan Ahead: Initiate conversations about long-term care, estate planning, and living arrangements while your parent is still able to contribute to these discussions. If your parent is unable to have these discussion, talking with other family members can shed light on plans your parent may have discussed in the past, and can start you on the path to creating a new plan if there wasn't one in place, written or verbally.
Finding Moments of Joy and Connection
It's important to find moments of joy and connection with your aging parents. The fear of losing precious time and memories can cast a shadow on these moments. However, the regret that can overwhelm your grief when they are no longer here can be just as bad, if not worse. Creating good memories together of your caregiving experience can help create positive memories that dull the not so great memories of this trying time for both of you.
Depending on what you both like to do, find creative ways to enjoy each others' company and share moments that aren't about being a caregiver or care recipient. These moments are about just relaxing together, sharing laugh, fun activity, such as:
1. Creating Meaningful Activities: Sharing old stories, enjoying hobbies, or exploring new interests.
We play Uno and Phase 10, and I can see how it not only gives us lots of laughs and let's us talk junk, it also helps mom's hand dexterity and stimulates her memory. She's getting in more movement when she's reaching to take a card, etc.
2. Capturing Memories: Documenting your parent's life journey through photos, videos, or written narratives can provide a sense of legacy and connection for both of you. It can leave something for generations to come, and bond younger family members to those who have gone before them.
I'll never forget when my mom told me I remind her of her grandmother when I'm cooking. Unfortunately, I never met my great grandmother because she died the year before I was born. But my mom loved her so much and speaks so highly of her, I instantly felt honored!
3. Practice Gratitude: Take time to reflect on the positive aspects of caregiving. Focusing on the moments of connection and the opportunity to give back can bring a sense of fulfillment. And even better, share it with each other! Even if it's just once a week, let your parent know what you're grateful for and mention a great thing that they did that week. Then ask them what they're grateful for that week. Their answers might surprise you in a good way.
Being a middle-aged caregiver for an aging parent is a journey that calls for lots of strength and resilience. While emotional turmoil, physical limitations, fear, and uncertainty are bound to arise, the solutions discussed above can serve as guiding lights. Remember, you're not alone on this journey. By seeking support, educating yourself, and prioritizing self-care, you can navigate this path with love, compassion, and grace. Every step you take is a testament to the enduring bond of family you share with your parent, as well as the power of caregiving.